What NOT to Do On A Date

Ok guys, this is a Public Service Announcement for all you men out there on the things you can do on a date that will definitely preclude you from getting laid. All the points I am about to make happened to me last night on what may have been the worst date I have ever been on.

1) Forget your wallet/cash. I mean, you would think I wouldn't even have to list this one but apparently I do.

2) Take a sip of your date's drink before she takes one with out asking.

3) Take a bite of your date's food without asking before she takes a bite.

4) Ask your date to modify HER food order (that she's paying for) in order to accommodate YOUR culinary desires.

5) Blow your nose like a trombone at the dinner table and place the dirty napkin on the table without so much as an apology.

6) Wear a Guess watch (or Fossil for that matter)

7) Talk about how Banana Republic, Zara and H & M are your favorites stores.

If you do any of these things your date will most likely do what I did and run for the hills. Did I mention this guy is a 41yr old CEO of a big corporation with an MBA from Harvard?

The S.S.R. (Secret Sexual Relationship)

The other day I heard from an old acquaintance I hadn't heard from in awhile and it made me think about how throughout the majority of my sexual life I have always had at least one SSR (Secret Sexual Relationship) which then made me wonder if most women are like me or if I am some sort of female anomaly. My feeling is that as people, we like to have things for ourselves that nobody else knows about. For me in particular, this 'secret life' has always manifested it sexually which brings me to this acquaintance of mine who is one of a few that would fit into this category. This particular gentleman I met over 4 years ago. He is absolutely brilliant--a professor at an Ivy league university and renowned author. He made his desire for me quite apparent early on but I thwarted his advances and developed a strange friendship that nobody really knows about. Since then we have remained in casual contact but for some reason he has manifested a slight obsession with my bum over the years; specifically, having a picture of it in a thong for him to cherish forever. Every time I talk to The Professor it is the same cat and mouse game. He would beg me for my derriere but offer nothing in return. Finally the other day, things took a turn. He IM'd me to talk about his girlfriend and a burlesque dancer that he was lusting after on the side when inevitably the conversation turned to this picture he has been lusting after for years. I eventually told him that I would be willing to make a transaction but it would have to be on the barter system--why does he get something he lusts after if I don't? He suggested buying me the thong to wear in the picture so I counter-suggested a sexy little number at Agent Provocateur I have had my eye on for some time now called The Playsuit. I sent him a link to the picture and he went NUTS--ordering it immediately for me on one condition: I wear it and FILM myself for 30 minutes rubbing oil on my ass while bending over and basically just giving the camera a half hour ass shot.

AGREED!

I will have this hot piece of come-fuck-my-brains-out lingerie in my possession within the next week: http://www.agentprovocateur.com/lingerie/playsuits/info/hornette-playsuit~pink

Makes you wonder where the world be without a barter system and The S.S.R.

Blow Job Betty

I am really good at giving head. I mean, I am absolutely cum-squirtingly phenomenal at tickling the pickle. Of course I'm aware every girl thinks this but I KNOW it...and sometimes I like to give head just to remind myself how good I am and because to be honest, I fucking love it. Which brings me to my next tale of Ay Carumba the Crazy Cuban. I met A.C.C.C. a few years ago when I was really into S & M and Adult Friendfinder. We developed a flirtation mostly because he is funny as hell and partially because I thought I could get him to beat my ass good. Unfortunately for me he had a crazy girlfriend at the time...I mean Glenn Close boil-your-bunny-crazy so I kept my distance for a bit. A few weeks go by with A.C.C.C. texting me to come over, talking about spanking me with random kitchen utensils and I hold out telling him I know his girl will knife me if she ever finds out we did anything. One night he tells me that they had a big blow out and she left for the East coast then asks me to come over and go to Norcal with him in the morning for a fun weekend trip. Always one for spontaneity and a good story, I hightailed it over to his place without a second thought. At this point, A.C.C.C. has no clue what to do with me. I have mind-fucked him beyond knowing how to try to fuck me like a normal person so we end up just smoking some pot and watching a movie when his phone starts incessantly vibrating and guess who it is...Glen Close 2.0 in stalker mode. He keeps hitting the ignore button when out of the blue asks me for a blow job. It takes me no time to know what I am going to do next. I look him dead in the eyes and tell him that I will spit shine the fuck out of his cock on one condition. At this point, hearing the words "spit shine" and "cock" in the same sentence have already made his eyes glaze and I know A.C.C.C is putty in my hands. I go on to tell him that I will give him the best blow job of his life only if he answers Glen Close 2.0's call and I will only suck on it while he talks to her. Literally 5 seconds later his phone buzzes--let me tell you, the man answered that phone like Ed McMahon was on the other end holding a million dollar check! He could barely get a greeting out to her before I was on my knees unzipping his pants. He was rock hard and ready so I went to TOWN. I could hear her on the phone apologizing, saying she wants to make up and all he could do with say "mmmmmhmmmmm". The more she begged the harder I sucked. He kept it going right until he was about to cum and quickly got off the phone with her in order to focus on blowing his load down my hatch. As soon as he said bye, I looked up mid suck/stroke and stopped dead.

A.C.C.C.: "What the fuck?!"
Me: "I told you I would suck it only as long as you were on the phone with her."
A.C.C.C.: "But I was about to explode, you can't just stop!!!"
Me: "We had a deal, sorry."
A.C.C.C.: "So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?!"
Me: "Call her back and you can cum in my mouth."
A.C.C.C.: "You want me to call her back for no reason so I can cum down your throat?"
Me: "That's exactly right."

Within 2 minutes I had A.C.C.C.'s cum shooting down my throat as he squeezed out an "I love you" to Glen Close 2.0.

What a life.

The Naked Break-Up

Hello Blog World. Welcome to the rantings of a slightly bitter, moderately jaded and devastatingly beautiful woman living in the epicenter of Hollywood. This being my first posting, I will have to give you some background as to how a charmer like me can end up being such a dirty minded grump. It all started back in October, when my then boyfriend of almost two years decided to break up with me without warning 5 minutes after I woke up. Yes, without warning. I know what you are thinking---this girl was clueless to the signs, there are ALWAYS warnings, quit being such a dumb chick and get a clue. I promise people, not this time! After living in this city for over 10 years and running around like a floozy for the majority of that time relishing in my singledom, I decided to settle down with someone who could be the anchor to my kite. Things were lovely. Lots of sex..not as kinky as I would normally like but really good Vanilla and lots of fun all around. Then came the day he decided to end it all. We went to bed the evening prior with no fights, spooning the usual amount until someone's limb eventually goes numb and necessary adjustments need to be made. When I awoke in the early morning he was up in the living room reading Calvin and Hobbes...yes the comic strip and yes Manchild is in his 30s. I saunter out of the bedroom, butt naked of course with bedhead to say good morning and Manchild says to me: "I can't do this anymore. I am done with this relationship." I look down at my naked self, run back in the bedroom to throw on some clothes so I could at least be dumped with dignity. I mean....REALLY?! What the fuck, REALLY?!?! Calvin and Hobbes, nudity and break-ups don't seem like they should be a part of the same story in a world that I live in but yes it happened. This is my reality. And just like that, I was thrown back into the wild...naked as a newborn and scorned as all hell. So what's a girl to do after such a horrendous dumping you ask??? DATE... and LOTS then tattle her tales to world of course! So far I have had some experiences coming out of the gate that need to be shared because I think they can only happen to me and are pretty fucking funny to boot. Coming up soon, the Tale of the Smelly Pee Pee & the Eharmony Fiasco...stay tuned :)

xoxoxo

Sabrina